The day was coming to an end just like many others before it. I was finally home from work, my school work completed- mostly, kids in bed, and it was time to escape into the digital abyss that is the internet. Little did I know that I was about to fall deeper into that abyss than ever before.
I re-read for one last time the essay paper I had been working on, and shut down the word processing program. As the antiquated machine in front of me strained to repack my essay, I sat whispering to it some words of encouragement. Come on you little $%$# you can do it!
The melodious sound of the dial tone brought a smile to my face, and I clicked to connect. The computer dialed, and I could hear the… ringing?… as my computer tried to become one with the rest of the world. It failed. I felt sorry for the poor thing and wondered if its self-esteem suffered every time it got rejected. It dialed again, using a different number, and again it failed. Don’t take it personally you stinking piece of…. I thought. Another attempt, and it found success! We were on-line. Good job little buddy!
I surfed over to Google, well, more kind of doggie paddled over to Google, and began my quest for answers. I had recently met someone who mentioned that they knew of someone who was treating somebody with some kind of a “natural” remedy for ADHD. So, out of curiosity, I searched “treating ADHD naturally”. You may remember, I didn’t want anyone finding out about me having ADHD, and the thought of not needing to see a doctor, or fill a prescription appealed to me. A natural remedy might allow me to keep my secret a secret.
My little bundle of transistors struggled under the heavy work load of bringing the found information to the screen but, somehow, managed to place each little bit needed in its proper position. Once the first page was loaded, I began reading, hoping for some good information. I was a little disappointed, however. The content was poorly written, full of fallacious arguments, and was more conspiratorial than informational. Undaunted, I went back and ran another search.
More or less the same results. Lots of conspiracy, mixed here and there with some anecdotal proof, sprinkled ever so lightly with…science? Hmmm. There has to be something credible somewhere. Come on you son of a box spring, find me something good! I went back to the results page and pulled up the next website…
Midnight came and went, and my frustratingly slow excuse of a file cabinet kept pulling up whatever I asked it to. Soon after that, however, my rear end began going numb from sitting for so long, and I had to give up. I was bugged and glad at the same time that the computer had outlasted me for once. Nice work little pal! You warded off your trip to the dump yet again.
I walked into the kitchen, well, stepped over to the kitchen, okay, so I looked into the kitchen- the condo was small- and announced to my wife that I had been unable to find what I was looking for.
She thinks the conversation that followed was boring, so I’ll sum it up.
I had been hoping to find a remedy that worked for everybody…
Learned about conspiracies that most conspiracy freaks didn’t know about.
Wondered why “natural” remedies have no known side effects. Not that I want side effects, but if there was a product that was so perfectly targeted to treat ADHD that it left no trace… how could that same product also cure my sickle-cell anemia, cancer, marriage problems, emotional instability, heart disease, and clear my complexion? Again, with no side effects. I didn’t get it. Or believe it.
Okay, I’m feeling guilty for exaggerating, it was really quite often that the mischief-making little R2 unit out lasted me.
So, really, many of the claims were so over the top that I had a hard time believing anything on the websites. I also have a hard time believing anecdotal stories as proof of anything. I don’t doubt that many folks have had success using many of the products, or methods I read about that night, and subsequent nights since, but!… I wasn’t playing a game. I needed to know exactly what I was getting myself into. Just ’cause Angela Soandso, from Green Acres, USA said she had luck with a concoction of ringworm, holy water, and pumpkin sprouts…Ringworm and holy water of course! But the pumpkin sprouts?!
Okay, so now I’m mad. This thought just came to me. What if that little good fer nuthin’ useless chunk of R2D2 who, eventually, met a proper and fitting death, was just finding the wackiest stuff just to throw me off?! GRRRR!
I’ll be right back…